


Goatfather

by wordbending



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Humor, M/M, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 08:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16929753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordbending/pseuds/wordbending
Summary: ‘Twas the morning before Holly Day, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse… monster.





	Goatfather

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AMX004_Qubeley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMX004_Qubeley/gifts).



> Commissioned by [AMX004_Qubeley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMX004_Qubeley/pseuds/AMX004_Qubeley)! Thank you!

‘Twas the morning before Holly Day, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse… monster.

I awoke from my bed, visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head, and decided I wasn’t going to use rhymes anymore, because rhyming takes a lot of effort. Instead, I got dressed, the large red suit fitting snugly against my well-carved abdomen (without a hint of chubbiness), my red and white hat barely fitting over my large white horns, my gloves tailor-made for my paws.

It was time.

Shoot. Let’s be Santa.

* * *

After I got dressed, I went to meet my elves, to see how the toy production was progressing. I first went to my head elf, Sir Gerson, the Hammer of Justice, so called because his hammer once made the greatest toys in all the land. Also, he looked good with elf ears.

“Well, we’ve got some problems,” Sir Gerson admitted to me. “But what else is new? Wa ha ha!”

“What sort of problems?” I asked.

“One of your elves don’t want to be an elf any more,” Sir Gerson explained. “Got it in her head she wants to be a… _dentist.”_

“Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad,” I said. “Kids love dentists.”

Gerson stared at me. “What? No.” He shook his head. “Anyway, she wasn’t at elf practice today. Talk some sense into her, or we’ll never get the toys done in time for the delivery. Hop to it!”

With that, I went down into my workshop, where my elves were hard at work preparing the toys for this year’s delivery. A chorus of “HOI!”s and “awAWaA SANTA”s greeted me as I descended the stairs, walking past a chess board with playing cards for pieces, an egg, a set of battle armor with another elf taped to the front of it, a model train with square wheels, and a board game where you apologized profusely to the other players every turn.

I went to the elf in question, who was putting a stethoscope up to the chest of what was probably, at some point, a teddy bear. It had a hairless baby doll’s head and mechanical spider legs. The elf was clearly concentrating hard on something, based on its squinting expression and the tongue between its teeth.

“Howdy,” I said to the elf.

“Hello,” the elf said as she noticed me, in a voice deeper than my own. “I’m Bob.”

“Ah, well, it’s a pleasure, Bob,” I said to her. “Why weren’t you at elf practice?”

“I don’t wish to be an elf anymore,” she said. “I’ve discovered my true calling.”

I nodded. “I see. And that is?”

Bob nodded back. “Dentistry.”

I considered this. We were running low on elves, and being an elf had a high turnover rate. After all, they were all unpaid interns. It would have been a shame to let her go.

“Of course you may be a dentist,” I said. Bob looked shocked, then like she was going to cry. I pointed towards the front door. “Go, and meet your true calling!”

“Thank you, Santa,” said Bob, before turning upside-down and floating out of the workshop.

I looked down at the toy she had left behind, the teddy bear with the baby doll head.

“And, er, someone do something with this? This toy is very… disturbing.”

There was another chorus of “HOI!”s and “WILL DO… BEST JOBS”s from the elves.

“Not all at once now!” I laughed.

* * *

Once I was done inspecting the toys at the workshop and ensuring they were all up to my rigorous standards, I went to the nearby town of Old Home. There was someone there I always visited, every single time I got the chance. She made me feel a warmth throughout my soul that no other could match… and not just because of her butterscotch-cinnamon pies.

“Ms. Dreemurr?” I said, knocking at her door.

“Ah, there you are,” I heard a familiar voice say from the other side. “I was wondering when you would arrive, Mr. Claus.”

“I was held up at the workshop,” I said. “We had a very interesting batch of toys this year. I’m sure the children will love them.”

There was a series of footsteps at the door, and then the door opened, revealing… the most radiant image I had ever seen. A beautiful Boss Monster, dressed in an outfit not unlike my own - a red dress with white trimmings around the collar and hemline, with a black belt around her waist. She was smiling at me with a smile that could melt the snow for miles.

“Ho ho!” I said as I saw her, laughing. “Auditioning to be Mrs. Claus this year?”

She closed her eyes, her smile softening. It was… adorable. “I am not. I was just getting into the holiday spirit. At any rate, please come in.”

“It’s a shame you won’t consider my offer,” I said, walking in and taking off my coat. It was a pleasant warmth inside Toriel’s home, lit by her fireplace. “You would make an _excellent_ Mrs. Claus.”

“You say that every year,” she said, taking my coat and putting it on a coat hanger. I sat down at her dining room table, as I did every year, and set my black gloves aside. “And my answer remains the same.”

“I _mean it_ every year,” I said, smiling at her. “I can think of nobody better suited. Especially now that you are dressed the part!”

“I am sure you say that to every woman dressed in red,” she said as she went into her kitchen, but I could see the smile on her face.

“I say it only to you, the most beautiful of them all,” I replied. It was admittedly a little corny of me, but I heard her laugh.

“Do not tease me, Mr. Claus,” I said as she emerged from the kitchen with a slice of her famous butterscotch-cinnamon pie. Well, famous to me, at least - although I was sure all of Old Home must know of something so delicious. It looked heavenly - a perfect shade of brown, with a topping of whipped cream - and it smelled even better.

“I would never,” I said. “Your butterscotch-cinnamon pie looks incredible, as always.”

“Thank you,” she said, returning to the kitchen. Her butterscotch-cinnamon pie was almost _too_ delicious-looking - I was tempted to reach out a finger and taste it. “Please do not eat it yet.”

“But it will get cold,” I said.

“My goodness, how old are you?” she laughed. “You simply must wait for your tea to be ready.”

“Very well,” I said, laughing in return.

After a moment, she emerged from the kitchen again, this time with two mugs displaying the words “HAPPY HOLLY DAY” in red and green letters. In them was the most wonderful smelling tea I had ever smelled. I gratefully took it from her, being careful not to burn myself.

I took a sip from the tea. “Delicious, as always.”

“I know just how you like it,” she said, sitting across the table from me and taking a sip of her own tea.

“I should hope so,” I said, chuckling. “You’ve only made it for me for, what, a hundred years?”

She blinked, surprised. I could swore I saw a blush rise to her cheeks. “Goodness, has it been so long…? I suppose so. I lose track of time after all these centuries.”

I took another sip of the tea, savoring it, then set the mug down. I reached out for a fork, taking the tiny thing in my large paws, and cut off a piece of pie.

“I know what you mean,” I said, after I had swallowed a bite. “I know the year is 101X… but it is hard to tell if I have truly been doing this for a thousand years. Eventually, the time just seems to fly by.”

“Not unlike your sled,” she said, taking a sip of her tea. Now I was _sure_ she blushed, and she was hiding it behind her mug. “Ah, pardon the joke…”

“Ho ho ho!” I said, laughing. “Do not be sorry. It was a wonderful joke. Who knew you were capable of such humor?”

“Why, of course I am capable of humor,” she said, although she didn’t look offended. “In fact, I will tell you another joke. What does a certain jolly old monster use to hold things?”

I had a feeling I knew the answer, but I smiled at her and said, “I do not know. What?”

“His Santa _Paws.”_

“Ho ho ho!” I laughed. “Very good, very good. Now, I will tell you a joke. What does a certain jolly old monster think of when he returns home?”

She blinked. “I… do not know. What?”

“How he _misses Claus,”_ I said.

She let out a laugh, politely covering her mouth with her paw. “That was terrible.”

“Yes, it was,” I said, smiling at her.

“Let me tell you another joke. This one will be better,” she said, as I took another bite of my pie. “What did the old lady say to the jolly old monster when he came to visit?”

“What?” I said.

“I only have _pies_ for you.”

This time, it was my turn to blush. But I laughed uproariously, pounding my fist against her table.

And so we went, for hours and hours, eating pie and sharing puns and jokes with each other. Until, at last, it was approaching time for my delivery, and I began to go home.

“How about a kiss?” I said to her as I took my coat back and slipped it around my shoulders. “For luck.”

“Very well,” she said, before planting a soft, chaste kiss on my cheek. “Just this once.”

I beamed. Today would be a good day - now I was sure of it.

* * *

When I arrived back at my workshop, there was someone waiting for me outside. A brown-furred reindeer monster in a garish green sweater, crossing his arms and smiling rather smugly.

It was, of course, Rudy.

“Rejected by Toriel again, huh, boss?” he said. “I keep telling you, you’re never going to get anywhere with her.”

“Quite the contrary, Rudy,” I said, smiling. “I got a kiss from her today.”

Rudy’s eyes widened, and then he laughed, throwing his head back. “Ha ha ha! Oh man! I don’t know if I should be jealous!”

“Of who?” I countered, stepping closer to him. “Myself or Toriel?”

“Take a wild guess,” Rudy shot back, stepping closer to me, until we were mere inches from each other. “How long have I been saying… that _I_ should be your Mrs. Claus?”

I wrapped my arms around his waist. I was much taller than he was, and a small blush rose to his cheeks when he looked up at me.

“What a beauty and the beast story that would be,” I said.

“Yeah, except we’re both beasts!” he said, grinning. He rested his head against my chest. “Ah, man, that never gets old.”

I patted him on the back. “Everything gets old, Rudy.”

“Hey, man, you’re over nine hundred years older than I am,” he replied. “Don’t be getting all sentimental on me. I’m not even forty!”

Eventually, I realized I couldn’t stand there hugging Rudy forever. I had presents to deliver, he had to prepare his sled team, and if we stood out there any longer, we were going to be buried in snow.

“Well, I’m afraid I must…” I started to say. Then, without warning, he kissed me on the cheek. I felt a blush rise to my face. “Go.”

“Toriel can’t steal all the kisses,” he said, grinning even wider.

“I suppose not,” I agreed, smiling back, before I broke free from the hug and began to enter my workshop. “See you soon… my Rudolph.”

* * *

My last act as Santa was, of course, to check the most important document of them all - my Naughty or Nice list. Using my magical powers, I summoned it into my hands and looked it over. It was a long, long, long list, even considering that it was magical and displayed only the information I needed. Looking over it always took me hours.

Eventually, I passed through the Monster section of the list and reached the Human section. Where the Monster children had been almost all good this year, the Human section… was not so fortunate. It had many, many “NAUGHTY”s on it… more, even, than in previous years.

What on Earth were humans doing that was so naughty? Certainly, I’d heard rumors of increased mistreatment of monster children by human children, but surely it was not nearly so much of an epidemic that they _all_ deserved coal?

I checked my Naughty and Nice list again, from the top, smoking on my pipe, but the results were the same. Human children had been very naughty indeed.

Oh well, I thought. Perhaps this will be a lesson to them.

* * *

I took my bag of presents - it was considerably lighter this year, because of all the coal - and slung it onto the back of my sleigh.

My elves, Gerson included, came to wave goodbye to me as I climbed into the front of the sleigh. I heard the elves shouting “DO UR BEST SANTA!!!” and “PLS PAY US FOR COOL EGG” and “OH NO… FORGOT… EARS???” as I lifted the reins.

The sled team, who were all reindeers wearing tracksuits like Rudy, stomped their hooves and prepared to take off.

“On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!” I shouted to the reindeer. “And on Rudolph, the greatest reindeer of allllllllll...”

The sled launched out of the workshop and into the sky.

I wondered sometimes if the other reindeers were ever jealous that I called Rudy the “greatest reindeer of all.” Cupid certainly seemed to have an interest in me… perhaps it was unprofessional of me, as their employer.

Well, I was Santa Claus. Santa is allowed to play favorites.

* * *

I arrived at one of the houses I was supposed to deliver to, effortlessly sliding down its chimney. I emerged in a room with a Holly Day tree, all decorated in tinsel and ornaments, as well as a couch, where a young monster was sleeping - so young they had yet to choose their name.

Or, rather, they were not sleeping. Their six-hundred compound eyes stared at me from across the room.

“Santa?” they said, rubbing at their eyes with one arm and clutching a stuffed boss monster in their other three. “Is that you?”

“Shh, shh, little one,” I said. “Surely you remember that Santa only appears for sleeping children? And you have been very good this year.”

“Oh!” chirped the child. “Yes. I’m sorry, Santa.”

And they laid back down, shutting their six-hundred eyes again. They started to “snore,” by saying “Z” over and over.

I patted the child on the head. “Do not worry, little one. Just go to sleep.”

And I took their present out of my sack, a record player that only played Holly Day themed advertising jingles. It was exactly as they’d requested.

With that, I went back into the chimney, and with a flick of my finger against my snout and a nod, I ascended back onto the roof. And then, off to the next house I went.

* * *

Many, many homes later, I descended into another home. This one was a human home, not a monster home… the home of Ella, who had been a very naughty girl this year. She had a record for bullying monster children much younger than her at her school, sending them home crying.

I did not look forward to delivering coal to her home, but it was my sacred duty as Santa Claus.

Fortunately, she was not there to see me deliver it. Instead, there had been left out for me my traditional Holly Day gifts - a slice of pie and a cup of warm tea. I gratefully ate the pie and drank the tea before starting on the presents (or lack thereof). The pie and tea were certainly delicious, but unfortunately, the Naughty list had spoken.

I took the coal out of my bag and put it into her stocking before, once again, ascending back onto the roof and flying away in my sleigh.

* * *

Much later in the night, I arrived back at Old Home, my final stop to deliver presents. I descended into the chimney of one of the houses as usual. I knew this child well, from many Holly Days before this one - his name was Jer-kun, a monster resembling a rhinoceros beetle. So named because he likes sleeveless jackets, you see, not for any jerkishness he possessed.

The thing about Jer-kun is that he never learned. He would put out the pie and tea, of course, as both monsters and humans knew to do. But he would always be awake, sitting in front of the fireplace, whenever I arrived. No matter how many times I reprimanded him, he liked to say hello to me personally. He was too sweet for his own good.

Strangely, however, when I descended the fireplace… Jer-kun was not there. There was no pie or tea left on a table near the fireplace. And all the lights were off, including the Holly Day lights on the fireplace and the tree. There weren’t even any stockings, hung up with care.

This was very, very mysterious. So I decided, even though it was against my usual routine, to check on them personally. I went into the bedrooms down the hallway, peering in through the door… and Jer-kun was nowhere to be seen. Neither were his parents.

Now I was unnerved. But things similar to this had happened before. Monsters would suddenly leave town without warning, and the Naughty and Nice list would not be updated fast enough to reflect the change in address. Not one to neglect my duty, however, I left Jer-kun’s gift - a fine leather jacket - under the tree, then ascended through the fireplace and flew away on my sleigh.

All of the next houses I visited were empty as well.

* * *

“Rudy!” I shouted over the blizzard rapidly forming around us, as we took off from yet another empty house. “Has something happened to the monsters?! Why are all the monster homes empty?!”

“I don’t know, boss!” he shouted back over the whistling wind. “It doesn’t make any -”

Suddenly, there was a smell like burnt cinder, and then the sleigh rocked as if struck. It took me a moment to realize it _had_ been struck - a fireball had crashed into its side, nearly setting it ablaze but instead leaving a small crater.

I had no time to panic. I shouted out, “Donner, Blitzen, Rudy, everyone! On the double!” as another fireball streaked through the air, passing over my head. Soon it was joined by lightning, ice, earth, and other magical elements, all attempting… attempting to bring down my sleigh, the sleigh of Santa Claus!

The reindeer picked up speed, jogging with all their might, but we were not nearly fast enough. We were hit by another barrage of magical spells, and then the sleigh let out a groan as it began to fall apart and out of the sky. I tried desperately to cast a magic barrier around it, to protect the reindeer, but I was falling so fast it was impossible to tell if I had been successful.

In moments, we crashed into the snowy ground, the sleigh splintering into pieces. I realized where we were - at the edge of Mt. Ebott, the mountain overlooking Old Home.

Miraculously, I found myself still alive. I groaned and stood up, wanting to reach out for Rudy, but… it was too late.

They had all fallen down.

The moment I stood up, I felt a sword against my neck.

“Don’t move.”

I looked up, into the dark, empty eyes of a human. They were young, possibly not even eighteen years old, and worse, I recognized them.

They were Arach, the poncho-wearing leader of the nearby human village, and they were joined by their seven mages. I knew them from many, many Holly Days… but more than that, I knew them as a friend. We had often visited each other when I was not in the role of Santa, and I often checked with them to see how the human children were doing. To say their presence shocked me was an understatement.

“We have already captured all of the monsters,” Arach said, in a flat, expressionless monotone. “Join them peacefully or die.”

“A-Arach…” I said. “I thought we were friends? You always greeted me warmly…”

“Friends?” they said, cocking their head. “You and I? We were never friends. Not after you gave me coal. I wanted _revenge._ And, at last, after all these years... revenge is mine.”

“Arach, you can’t do this,” I pleaded. I felt tears at my eyes. “It’s Holly Day!”

“Holly Day is for fools,” they replied. “Now join your brethren in your eternal prison!”

* * *

“...And that, my children,” said Asgore, “is the _true_ reason that monsters were sealed underground.”

Asriel nodded eagerly. “I had no idea, Dad… that’s incredible.”

Chara swallowed the bite of the chocolate tree they were eating. “That’s the dumbest story I’ve ever heard.”

Asgore laughed. “But every word of it is true!”

“You can’t be serious,” they said, taking another bite. “Rudolph _died?_ Come on, how dark is that?”

“I didn’t say Rudolph died,” Asgore explained, frowning. “I said they ‘fell down’... I meant that completely literally. He fell out of the sky.”

“And another thing,” Chara continued with their mouth full, spitting crumbs of chocolate all over the floor. “Are you telling me this is where Krampus came from too? A goat monster that delivers coal? I’m not that gullible.”

Asgore opened his mouth to speak, but Chara kept talking.

“And _Arach?_ Really? Is that what you think of me, that I’m some Christmas-hating supervillain?”

“Now, now, Chara, if you do not believe me, that’s one thing, but there is no need to be rude.”

“Yeah, Chara!” Asriel piped up. “Don’t be rude to the _real_ Santa Claus!”

“He’s _not the real Santa Claus!_ ”

“Aha!” Asriel yelled, standing up. “I thought you didn’t believe in Santa! You just implied there _is_ a real Santa Claus!”

Chara blushed deeper, then stood up as well. “I… I did not! Shut up, Asriel!”

Asriel stuck his tongue out and Chara pushed him. As Chara and Asriel began to fight, Toriel walked up behind Asgore with a cup of tea in her hand. “What under Earth have you started? My goodness.”

“Oh, nothing…” Asgore said, taking his tea. A sly smile crossed his lips. “Mrs. Claus.”

A few hours later, after Chara and Asriel had stopped wrestling, been read a story, and gone to bed, Asgore went to his room. He looked through his belongings, opening his dresser drawer and taking out the Santa Claus suit. He smiled at it wistfully, then took out something _beneath_ the Santa Claus suit.

It was a portrait, a painting. In it were two figures. Sitting in a chair was himself, dressed as Santa Claus, smiling. In his lap, staring straight ahead with a blank, serious expression, was a small human child, holding a makeshift spear and wearing a poncho.

“Ah, Arach,” said Asgore, brushing his hand against the painting. “My old friend.”

And he put the portrait away.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Ivy and Skirmisher for betaing this fic!


End file.
